Belief, Life, and the Spirit

"The Spirit of God fills the whole universe."

Originally, I questioned the number of entries I was writing about death and about RC, in particular. I thought that because this space was originally created to reflect on teaching and learning, maybe all these thoughts and reflections on (his) death weren't appropriate. Going through it though, I have to say I've been learning so much about myself, the process of mourning, death, and life. We should learn from everything, right?

Today's Mass was integral to my understanding of why I live, why I am here, and why I push forward despite all the awful things that happen in this world and all the discomforts that I may experience in my life. The solemnity of Mass was heavy considering all that I have been

thinking of. It was difficult to celebrate life when death has been so close.

The fact that it was Pentecost Sunday reminded me that the Spirit is always here, always around us, even when it doesn't feel that way. The prayer Veni, Sancte Spiritus helped me remember that:

"Come, Holy Spirit, come!

And from your celestial home

Shed a ray of light diving!

...You, of comforters the best;

You, the soul's most welcome guest;

Sweet refreshment here below;

In our labor, rest most sweet;

Grateful coolness in the heat;

Solace in the midst of woe.

O most blessed Light diving,

Shine within these hearts of yours,

And our inmost being fill!

Where you are not, we have naught,

Nothing good in deed or thought,

Heal our wounds, our strength renew..."

Though I have been feeling empty and sad and have been questioning why something like this would happen, this reminded me to hope and to know the Spirit is always there for me and for us as hopeless or as despondent as I might feel.

The hardest part of the Mass was the Apostles' Creed. This is where we state everything that we believe. Every time I said the words, "I believe," it was like a knife was twisting in my heart. I say that prayer ever week. It's so integral to my life that I barely notice it anymore. At that moment, though, I recognized it as the reason for my existence, the reason why I'm on this earth, the reason why I live and breathe and move forward despite all the pain I might experience. What happened to this for him? He had that, what happened at the moment when he decided to leave us? Was it not enough? I'm so sorry this happened. I want people to believe. I want my family to believe in life, to believe in themselves, in their future, in their lives.