Breathe

"To your wings hold on,

or you are sure to miss the ride

and the melody

will surely die."

-Herbie Hancock

Have I made myself clear?

I want my friends and family

To breathe.

To Live.

To Love.

To Struggle.

And Survive.

You are important.

We need you.

Your spirit makes this earth what it is.

Without you,

We are never the same.

Without you,

We lose

A piece of ourselves.

You are important.

We need you.

I love you.

Have I made myself clear?

Can you hear me?

Just Breathe.

Choose Life.

Don't Let Your Gas Get Low

Funeral today. Heavy. Sun then rain pouring in his memory.

For a while, I was extremely worried that I was going to miss the funeral because I hadn't heard anything from anybody about the funeral arrangements. Thank God Esko was there to cry with me and hold my hand. I wouldn't have made it without her there. At one point after RC's death, someone ask me if I regretted meeting him. Then and now, I was always glad to have known him. Hearing from his family today at the service made me even happier that I knew him, as painful as this process has been. The stories his friends and family told about how loving and caring he was made me so happy to know someone so generous. I only wish he had been able to withstand whatever internal struggle he was going through.

His father told the story of his last conversation with RC, which was incredibly intense. At the end of the the story, his father told the congregation that he wanted to encourage us to be aware of those times when we feel like we are "running out of gas." This tore me down. I thought of my family and friends, but most of all, I thought of my students. I pray that my students will always be able to stop at the gas pump in order to keep going. He said, "Don't let your gas get low...and if you feel it getting low, find someone, find something that will help you keep going. You can always stop at God's gas pump to fill up." I truly appreciated the words and strength from a father who experienced the premature death of his son. Please, if you're reading this, keep RC, his family and friends in your prayers. He was good man and we love him.

Curtis Throwing Down in Arizona!!

Earlier this month, I posted a timeline about Arizona's descent into its most recent unjust, racist legislation banning ethnic studies in schools. A friend of mine, Curtis, teaches a Latino Lit class at his high school. He's doing amazing work and it's being shut down. Check out this piece from CNN highlighting his work and other classrooms teaching through an ethnic studies lens.

May the Song Reach Your Heart

A beautiful song off the new Janelle Monae record, Archandroid.

"May the song reach your heart.

May the song journey on."

This girl's music is timeless. Much respect. Can't wait for the June 6 concert.

We Need You

I obviously haven't been updating too much about the progress of my classroom. I didn't tell you guys about the experience I had with one student finally completing his paper last week, May 13.

This student and I have always had a bumpy relationship since his sophomore year. While I've always cared very much about him, he and I have bumped heads quite a bit. This year, we went through the same ups and downs. There were times when I would push and push and push and after a while, I'd be like, "Forget it!!" Then, we'd push and push again. He almost didn't make it in my class and in others. The afternoon before the senior papers were due, he was in my classroom along with other students until about 7pm. Toward the end of his paper, he began to get anxious because he was actually going to finish. He felt the anticipation. At 7, his work was done minus his acknowledgments page. We almost cried together. I gave him a huge hug and sent him off. The next day, I cried in class, when he told me he presented the final paper to his mother. I was relieved and happy that he had finished his paper, and was so proud of himself.

One thing that always concerned me about this student was his lack of self confidence. The dude is really smart, thoughtful, sensitive, and hilarious, but it's really hard for him to read, write his thoughts on paper, to work for extensive amounts of time and to type. I've often gotten the sense that in spite of his humor and talents, he felt himself a very stupid person, especially since he began taking medication for ADD. I have constantly watched him fight himself and drag himself down because of his lack of self esteem. It has been painful and exasperating.

Yesterday, I spoke with him about RC's death. Most of my students know that I've experienced a death, but they don't know the details. I shared RC's story with him because I don't ever want him to feel like he can't keep going anymore. I don't ever want him to allow his low self esteem to impact him to the point that we lose an invaluable person in our community. I simply talked to him about things that he should know about himself -that he is a thoughtful, creative, intelligent, and humorous person in our community. He needs to know what he is good at and what he is not so good at and accept those things instead of hating himself for whatever he perceives himself to be missing. The last thing that I said to him was that RC was an intelligent and passionate individual -an amazing brother, son, and friend. His family and friends needed him. His community needed him. The world needed him, but he's not here anymore. As Jill Scott's song The Fact Is says, "And even thought I can do all these things, I need you...We need you." For my student, I want him to know that if he never realizes his own potential for himself, if he doesn't pursue his goals of being a zoologist, he won't be happy, and our world will be missing an important individual who can never be replaced.

Janelle Monae's track Cindi says it well:

"Who's that girl in the mirror?

...She wants to dance but she has cold feet.

Her confidence is low

So much talent, but who'll know

When she's afraid to follow her dreams.

So I talk to her heart and made up her mind

That I gotta except her for me.

But it's so lonely, when I'm only being me.

...You've gotta be you and I've gotta be me." -Janelle Monae

Love yourself.

Another World with Janelle Monae

I know I'm late, but I couldn't jump on the Janelle Monae boat right away. But now that I've hopped on, I know I'm ready. You have to love artists that speak directly to you and bring your spirit to a higher place.

Metropolis is my new favorite song. The beauty of this track brings my imagination to a better world. I know it's coming...

View a sky without any blue.
Breakfast on incandescent, built to chew.
Dream to find another world
Where a cyborg can love and a cyber girl is still a queen.

Where there's no law,
Tying my heart from the start.
Where there's no war, if my dreams run a little wild,
But if there's no call from joy control
Warning me against this disease in my heart.
Freein' my soul.

Population 10 zillion and six
Where signs say, \"Welcome to the Star Core Metropolis.\"
Me, I live on the wired side of town,
Reaching and searching for a space called paradise found.

Where there's no law
Tying my heart from the start.
Where there's no war, if my dreams run a little wild,
But if there's no call from joy control
Warning me against this disease in my heart.
Freein' my soul.

And it's a common thought
that wired folk can be sold and bought.
That we have no feelings no memories or minds,
That we're bionic strumpets only worth a dime.
To some it's a surprise when I smile.
And when I hold your hand, they say,
\"How can a wired thing understand?
Love is too deep; it's too wide to feel
when your soul is a button
and your foot glows in heels.\"
Program. Program. Reprogram.
One nation, under a microchip.
Neon slaves, electric savages,
open your hearts. Open your eyes. Your chariot will arrive.

Hey, Anthony Greendown from sector nine. (From sector nine)
With beautiful eyes
I've served you now about thirty-eight times.
Thirty-eight times I've looked in those eyes.
You see me laughing, the love when I hold your hand,
I wanna take you, take you with me to another land.

Where there's no law
Tying my heart from the start.
Where there's no war, if my dreams run a little wild,
But if there's no call from joy control.
No call.
Please go with me.
Oh come with me.
I need you.
Let's leave. Let's leave.
Come. Come. Come.

It Wasn't His Life to Take

"You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you, my darling, just smile."

The shock is wearing off. I've been angry, and I finally articulated my anger last night. When I was venting to my friend, she affirmed for me my feeling of anger. She said, "It wasn't his life to take." Lots of people have differing opinions on this and that's what it is, but that's how I feel.

Belief, Life, and the Spirit

"The Spirit of God fills the whole universe."

Originally, I questioned the number of entries I was writing about death and about RC, in particular. I thought that because this space was originally created to reflect on teaching and learning, maybe all these thoughts and reflections on (his) death weren't appropriate. Going through it though, I have to say I've been learning so much about myself, the process of mourning, death, and life. We should learn from everything, right?

Today's Mass was integral to my understanding of why I live, why I am here, and why I push forward despite all the awful things that happen in this world and all the discomforts that I may experience in my life. The solemnity of Mass was heavy considering all that I have been

thinking of. It was difficult to celebrate life when death has been so close.

The fact that it was Pentecost Sunday reminded me that the Spirit is always here, always around us, even when it doesn't feel that way. The prayer Veni, Sancte Spiritus helped me remember that:

"Come, Holy Spirit, come!

And from your celestial home

Shed a ray of light diving!

...You, of comforters the best;

You, the soul's most welcome guest;

Sweet refreshment here below;

In our labor, rest most sweet;

Grateful coolness in the heat;

Solace in the midst of woe.

O most blessed Light diving,

Shine within these hearts of yours,

And our inmost being fill!

Where you are not, we have naught,

Nothing good in deed or thought,

Heal our wounds, our strength renew..."

Though I have been feeling empty and sad and have been questioning why something like this would happen, this reminded me to hope and to know the Spirit is always there for me and for us as hopeless or as despondent as I might feel.

The hardest part of the Mass was the Apostles' Creed. This is where we state everything that we believe. Every time I said the words, "I believe," it was like a knife was twisting in my heart. I say that prayer ever week. It's so integral to my life that I barely notice it anymore. At that moment, though, I recognized it as the reason for my existence, the reason why I'm on this earth, the reason why I live and breathe and move forward despite all the pain I might experience. What happened to this for him? He had that, what happened at the moment when he decided to leave us? Was it not enough? I'm so sorry this happened. I want people to believe. I want my family to believe in life, to believe in themselves, in their future, in their lives.

Every Mourning

I get through one day of riding rollercoasters of grief alone and with friends who share their warmth with me. By the end of the day, I think I'll be okay. I sleep, mistakenly thinking that I've conquered the grief. Then, I wake up only to do it all again.

Mass Ave Bridge

The view is amazing from the Mass Ave Bridge. The Mass Ave Bridge has always been my favorite place in Boston. I love bridges. They're connectors, and that's what I like to do.

Mass Ave Bridge won't hold all good memories for me from here on out. Today was the first day I crossed the bridge since Rodley died. As I approached, I became nauseated and began to pray. While I was crossing, I slowed down, looking for him, looking for signs of him -nothing to be found. At the end of the bridge, I told him that I loved him and that I missed him.

I'm glad I'm leaving Boston now. I won't have to cross that bridge everyday.

First Brush

This is not my first brush with the death of someone close to me. When Tito Pet died a few years back, our family was devastated. He was one of the last standing patriarchs on Mom's side of the family. But he died with a full life behind him after battling cancer. He was a husband, a doctor, raised three sons, helped raise the women in my mother's family, had grandchildren, was a dope man.

RC was 28. He wanted big things for himself -a family, a house, to be successful. He was discovering new things and new places. He had so much ahead of him, so much life, so much to love.

As I get older, I see that each death will feel different. Tito Pet's felt full and timely -untimely in the sense that one never wants to lose their loved ones, but timely in the sense that he had done his thing over the years. When I think of RC's death, it makes me cold and a feeling of emptiness washes over me. The question marks that exist for me in this case didn't exist for the other deaths I've encountered.

Mom reminded me that the mystery of this will always remain and that I must just place him on the alter along with myself. I miss his spirit, his energy on this earth. The light is extinguished from the human world, but I pray, God, please take care of him.

Missing You

"...Everyone who ever lived is still alive..." -Unknown

Did you see us?

Did you know we care?

Do you see our tears?

Hear our cries?

For you?

Wanna call, but I can't.

Want to hear your voice, but I can't.

Wanna know how you're doing...

Cuz you're still doing

But I can't.

Want to know you're here.

All I have are memories.

Are You Here?

"Wait til you see those eyes...are you here?" -CBRae

Gone

Lost Spirit

Soul Flying?

How does one disappear from this world?

I heard your voice seven days ago.

Embraced you ten days ago.

Where did you go?

Gone

Lost Spirit

Soul Flying?

How does one become removed from this world?

I'll never see you

Never hear your voice

Never touch you on this earth again

Don't leave us.

Gone

Lost Spirit

Soul Flying?

How is it I'm never to see your face again?

No goodbye.

No hugs.

No love, not here.

Just gone.

R.I.P. RCDoriscat

Just got news that a friend of mine recently died. So many emotions -sadness, anger, confusion. I had just seen him last week. Just spoke to him over the weekend. I miss him already. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family.

Rest in Peace, Rodley -Brother, Son, Friend.

Arizona Timeline

My homie Curtis Acosta is a DOPE Latino Lit teacher in Arizona. The new law banning ethnic studies is hittin' him HARD. I'ma be blogging about this SOON. Until then, here is a timeline of Arizona's path into SB 1070 from one of my favorite magazines, Colorlines.

How Did Arizona Get to SB1070? Not Alone. on Dipity.

Working with Order and Constancy

On Saturday I started a Novena for work that my Mom passed on to me. For those of you who don't know, a novena is a nine day prayer for a special intention. For this specific work novena, there are different themes that the prayer focuses on for each day. Today's theme was working with order and constancy.

The daily reflection stood out to me in particular, because,

for those of you who know me, you know that order and constancy are not my thing. I have trained myself to be orderly and constant when I have to. Teaching has been a huge part of me becoming somewhat more organized and much more diligent in my work. There are, of course, moments when I really fall off. The past few weeks have been an example of that. I've been on early vacation, just like most of my seniors. While I've been praying to do a good job, for the past 3 days, today's reflection really slapped me in the face. It was from St. Josemaria, and it said,

"How short indeed is the time of our passing through this world! For the true Christian, these words ring deep down in his heart as a reproach to his lack of generosity, and as a constant invitation to be loyal. Brief indeed is our time for loving, for giving, for making atonement. It would be very wrong, therefore, for us to waste it, or to case this treasure irresponsibly overboard. We mustn't squander this period of the world's history that God has entrusted to each one of us.

...Persevere in exact fulfillment of the obligations of the moment. That work -humble, monotonous, small -is prayer expressed in action that prepares you to receive the grace of the other work -great and wide and deep -of which you dream."

Not only had I dropped off, I had definitely been feeling major irritation with folks around me and definitely with my students. My negative attitude, though, is for sure a "lack of generosity." The way that St. Josemaria expresses the importance of our time and our work -the opportunity to serve others and the danger of "squandering" that gift really made me think again about how I want to act in my work environment and reminded me of the value of continuing to do my best, instead of giving in to the rut. Yes, I'm weak. But I'm thankful for moments like this when I can ask for help and be strengthened by the Higher Powers.

Life and Debt in Haiti and the Third World

Again, I'm waaay behind, but I'm finally watching Life and Debt. I've been meaning to watch it for years and am right in the middle of it. I'm taking a break since there's so much to process and so many papers to grade. While the documentary is set in Jamaica, I couldn't help but think of all the other countries suffering from similar economic strangulation.

More specifically, it made me think of Haiti's situation. When the earthquake happened, there was so much talk of the G7 forgiving Haiti's $1.2 billion debt. It really annoyed me that it took a 7.0 earthquake to make these powerful countries even consider partially forgiving a debt that they had set up for Haiti to drown in. It just doesn't make sense. Does it really take a catastrophe where lives were lost to get out of such situations? Debt cancellation won't even solve the issues that are now occurring because of the earthquake.

Watching the movie now, in May, made me wonder what happened to all the talk of debt forgiveness for Haiti? Granted, I don't watch the tv or check the news online as often as I should, but I feel like I would have heard something about this! When I went on my search, I found two articles. One from Black Politics on the Web and South Florida Caribbean News. Both articles said that the U.S. had approved a bill that directs the Secretary of the Treasury to instruct directors at the IMF and other development groups to vote in favor of canceling Haiti's debt. The SFCN quoted the following of the bill,

1. cancel immediately and completely all debt owed by Haiti to these institutions;
2. suspend Haiti’s debt service payments to the institutions until the debt is canceled completely; and
3. provide additional assistance to Haiti in the form of grants so that Haiti does not accumulate additional debt.

While the work of Maxine Waters is great in this case, I can't help but wonder how this will actually follow through. It makes me think of Brown vs. Board, where the legislation did not have strict timelines or stipulations for when desegregation had to be completely achieved and what that actually meant. I suppose we'll see how this works out in the short term and the long term.

In the meantime, numerous countries still suffer from the lack of economic freedom and control that they have over their own markets. Two of my favorite quotations from Life and Debt, so far, are from two farmers. On the lack of freedom, one farmer said, "It's an insult to our dignity. Not being able to produce and sell in your own market at home." This quotation brings me back to one of the most important things to me as both a human and as an educator -self determination. It always makes me extremely sad to see when folks don't have the opportunities to use the gifts and talents that God gave them, that God meant for them to use. It's complete degradation to force people to work like machines or to be forced into doing something they don't want to do, something that doesn't allow them to cultivate their potential. Many of the farmers are forced out of farming or into mutating their practice because of the trade barriers that exist.

The other farmer put his desire to be free as a farmer and as a country plainly, saying, "This is our country, our turf. Give us back our market. Don't try to force your idea on us!" While many of the farmers want the ability to impact and benefit from the market in a meaningful way, the representative from the IMF being interviewed spoke about the value of "these developing countries" to have markets that are open to the global economy. This made me so angry because folks know well the consequences of opening up developing economies to other more powerful forces. Without controls to protect their industries, their businesses, and workers,

foreign powers and transnational businesses have everything they need to trample on our countries' small businesses! We can't pretend that this is a level playing field. Surely, the governments of our countries have made so, so, so, so, so many mistakes, in the road out of colonization, but the stakes are high and it would be nice to get some type of consideration from the governments and businesses that are barreling forward, without thought of others.

This is one thing that I think that we need to learn and teach more about. I know individual teachers are doing amazing jobs with it, but our American students, especially students of color, really need to know about this for the improvement of humanity, true coalition building,

understanding, and action amongst Third World communities. Imagine what could happen if the American Third World effectively built and moved forward alongside foreign Third World Communities. What a beautiful day that would be! Amen!

Also, check out David Roodman's blog at the Center for Global Development. I like the different complexities that he presents us with when thinking about this debt relief issue.

Lastly, I LOVE Michael Manley!!! Whaat?!

Geekin'!!!

Side note to the whole Food Inc. excitement: while I was watching the movie, I remembered how much I LOVE learning. I have to thank God and my parents for giving me that excitement for knowing more and for caring about what I learn. Mad people know lots and lots but don't care or don't do nothin about it!! Not only does this keep me smarter, I know fo sho it's gonna keep me younger and flyer! haha. Thank goodness for geekin'!!

Food Inc.

I just finished watching Food Inc. and am completely amazed by what I saw. I'm still processing and have a lot to think about when it comes to food, freedom, and justice.

There were so many parts of the movie that dealt with real farmers, workers, and families suffering/challenging the problems of agri-business. It made all of the things I had heard about before a little more tangible.

There are so many important decisions to make about food and how we buy it, cook it, and eat it. I would love to hear how other people have dealt with this personal dilemma. I have already started my brainstorming and will try to update when plan of action has been concretized. Until then, those of you who have not yet watched the movie, DO IT!!! Check out the trailer below.

Also, for those of you who are interested in sustainable food systems, check out CUESA, the Center for Urban Education about Sustainable Agriculture. I learned about CUESA from Farmer Jane's blog!

P.S.-Why the HELL is this movie a repeat of The Jungle by Upton Sinclair, only 100 years later? REAAALLLYYY?!?!?! Why do we learn nothing from history?!?!?!

I Won't Let My Life Pass Me By

Yet another reminder why I'm doing the right thing. Rough as the end of this era might be, I have been wanting to move to the Philippines or New York for the longest. I'm not letting my life pass me by. I must do this!! I'm moving forward, but I'll never forget what made me who I am! :)

Throwback!! BCLA 2006

I was looking through some old emails in my "teacher email" today and found this photo and note from the students who basically got me hired at BCLA. After they got me hired, they threw me a party. They were the first class I graduated out of BCLA -the Class of 2008. What a great group. Finding this now was so fitting as I am going to be leaving the school. Gotta love how it all comes back around.

Hey Ms.,

I'm glad you like our celebration for you as a good teacher for our school, and I cant wait for you to create miracles with next year's sophmore class, the way you did with our sophomore class.CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~**--Yessy @ ur service @ all timez, cuzz it 1 luv out herre--**~~

One on One

The more I have the opportunity to spend time speaking with students one on one, the more I think about teaching at a very small school or becoming a school counselor. I don't know how I feel about leaving the classroom and the content behind but I love having conversations with students, mentoring them, and talking with them about how to attack problems and develop as individuals.

We'll see what happens...

Senioritis

I never knew that senioritis came with the side effects of being RUDE!! Maybe I'm being rude? But dang, I understand folks are tired, but that doesn't mean students can do whatever the heck they want! It's really frustrating. And I'm just venting. It makes me really tired. Senior teachers, what do you do when senioritis hits?!

Planning to Change the World

If you don't know, this is an excellent planning resource from the Education for Liberation Network and NYCOREfor folks who are social justice educators. I have used this since its inception. Check out my comments and other teachers' comments below:

Planning to Change The World: A Planbook for Social Justice Teachers 2010-2011 from Social Justice Planbook on Vimeo.

Struggling

"I'm strugglin, and it's trouble in, in this circumstance

I'm dwelling in I find myself in the corner huddling,
with some angry men, and I gotta settle shit again
before they gotta kill again.

I should be chillin on beaches, instead my
bone freezes, ducking glocks and I walks, well, like
Jesus, the realest thing for me is, since I was a
fetus, the only break I ever got, was at recess, so
legitimately, I remain very little relieved, and at
thug rappers, I remain very little intrigued, and can
you blame me, look how we lived in the late eighties,
throwing rocks at the crazy ladies." -K'Naan

Today's meditation was about Simon of Cyrene carrying the cross. Every year around this time there is always some type of homily or talk that addresses Simon's unwanted burden. Might happen when faced with something we don't want to do, oftentimes our attitude is to question it complain about how we don't deserve something that we are experiencing.

Job has come up for me twice in the past month and I'm driven to think about the Struggles that Job faced- struggles he did nit necessarily earn. Father brought up the idea that we might be able to find some meaning in the pain and struggles we are faced with and that these are not necessarily test or retribution from god for something we said in the past, but an opportunity to help, serve, and suffer for something we may have done that was hurtful, or it's simply an opportunity to serve God and others.


For myself I've been feeling the extra burden of administrative projects and capstone internship responsibilities and I often think "this is not what I signed up for," but I have to be able to strive through those moments and see them as opportunities. Though I recognize that those feelings are natural I still feel guilty when I complain because I know I can make something positive out of the experience. I suppose it's a matter of finding the balance.

In thinking more about this balance within myself this has made me think more about the qualities that I'd love to encourage in my students. I really want for there to be a balance between fighting for justice and equality but doing so in a way that encompasses and accepts the reality of suffering as opposed to the dream of comfort. I wany my students to fight for what is right but I don't want them to become obsessed what an easy or overly comfortable existence -one that doesn't appreciate struggle or challenges. Hopefully I can build this in myself so that I can better model it do my babies. Here we go...

Just a Lil Reminiscing

"How sad, how sad that all things come to an end

But then again, I'm, I'm not alone" -Lauryn Hill

I love my neighborhood so much.

I have spent the past four years in the Area IV neighborhood of Central Square and while I don't know every person in the community and I always complained about Boston/Cambridge not being New York, there are things that are now home to me.

The walks, the corners, my drive home, the basketball court, the churches, the restaurants, the bars, the stores, the people that I see everyday. It's going to be very different going back home to New York, but not knowing it as well as I know Cambridge and Boston.

As I was taking my friends from California around this weekend, I was cutting around

Boston with knowledge and ease -it's become the place where I function -familiar and comfortable. After all these years of complaining, I knew that when I had to say good bye, I'd ultimately be sad to leave the place where I really, really grew up.

Last night, I was driving home from Brookline and saying goodbye hit me again. Made me think of bittersweet memories and this Lauryn Hill song. I know my goodbyes are prolonged. All my friends hate that, but I need time and space to reflect and celebrate what I've had here. It's been a crazy nine years.

White and Black Folks According to Zora

"No, no. They don't really rule; they just thinks they rule. They just got things -heavy, dead things. We black folks is got the spirit. We'se lighter and cunninger; we fly right through them; we go and come again just as we wants to. Black folks is wonderful." -Zora in W.E.B. DuBois's The Quest of the Silver Fleece

Love According to Janie

In one of Ailey's newer pieces, they highlighted this quotation from Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God:

"Then you must tell em that love ain't something like a grindstone that's the same thing everywhere and does the same thing to everything it touches. Love is like the

sea. It's a moving thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from the shore it meets, and it's different with every shore." -Janie

Fondwa Chronicles: Entry 5 -Kleenex and Dimitri

Kleenex Mini Packs

Will forever remind me

Of Dimitri's snot.

Tigress, Am I

There are few words to describe the Pilgrim's latest, "Tigress, Am I." It is honest, raw, and beautiful.

I slew my Lover and danced upon his body drunk with the maddening sweetness of Love, guarding him free and pure in the solace of my insanity whilst evil and vanity clamored in the bloody battlefields of mortality. Mother, I feared my power once, restrained and tamed it, but Tigress am I, I ripped the chains of logic and devoured respectability, roaring defiance into the wilderness and taunting would-be warriors to take up their lances and make a name for themselves, coming, falling, one by one until my Lover snagged me in his snare of songs and gods and art and beauty. Milky-white and pearly-eyed, he danced flute in hand around my sacred grounds and trees grew for him, flowers emanated their perfume for him and the sky wept with longing for him. He weaved a lullaby for my soul and the world watched in adoration our story unfold in the sanctity of the deepest mangroves no human eye had seen, where we loved and made love and lived love and created love, I, the Tigress and He, the Song-Weaver under the moon-eyes of the lilies of the Night. But I, yes I, Tigress am I, Daughter of the Mother-Destroyer am I, I ate what the gilded cage could not save and I slew my Lover and danced upon his body. Why, why you ask, my response is why, why you ask, Tigress am I, Lover am I, Daughter of Time and Space, my shape cannot be undone by the boundaries of rose-fields and the depths of my roar drowned the fish that swam under his feet, Tigress am I, my cubs are not lambs, my body is tender and ferocious and I cannot hide the strength of my walk, the turrets and domes of our scented groves were born on the bodies of the mutilated and failed, those warriors who had tried to trap me for the glory of their kings, and the tulips grew red of their blood...making my Poet weep. His grief birthed his fear as he recognized the sleeping ambers held in the depths of Tiger’s Eyes and if he stayed he would not survive the consuming sweetness of the fires that are sure to ignite but if he left his Lover’s side he would surely die inside. He slept with a dagger in disguise and his flute fled its lullabies as I, Tigress am I, wild as my Mother, wise as my Mother, smelt his fear and understood all this time he had only seen a star where a constellation lies, he had heard a note where a symphony played and he had loved a woman where a goddess stayed. Tigress yes, Lover, yes, Mother, yes I slew my Lover and I danced the Dance of folly with my sisters Grief and Pain and thunder shook and lighting blazed and the sky yawned an abyss of celestial heights as I wept and praised my slain Lover through these monsoon nights. My tears bathed his body to marble white and my thundering feet softened his bed and I called to you Kali Mother I, Mother I, Mother I, Tigress am I, wild am I, I slew my Lover and dance upon his body in praise of Love, in curse of Love, this Love I cannot tame, this Love you have made me with, this body and shape and soul and spirit that cannot take flight yet soars in your ethereal Sight, I cannot be caged but I want to be tamed…tamed, tamed, if only to be with my Lover again so I may be a pearl he can hold and not a treasure he cannot imagine, a woman, a woman, and not a Tigress, not goddess born of the Chaos of Your Womb in the madness of your Hair, not fire-eaten and honey-mouthed and Ebon like the First Night but, a buttermilk doe made of baby sighs. I weep Mother, I grieve, for I Loved Mother with the Love You placed inside of me and it feared my Lover and grieved him and I slew him because I could not bear his Living pain and the pain of his Living, I let him go Mother, back to You Mother, but You must know, You must know, You slew Your Lover too before He rose to become Your Sacred Symmetry, Your Infinite Illusion, the White Taj of your Black Edifice shimmering for eternity in the deepest pools of men’s memories. But I weep Mother, I weep for my Lover, for where I saw a god I but bathe and dress a body and I weep, yes Mother, I weep for Tigress am I, your Daughter am I, but my consort is but a man and now I dance, alone under the stony moon-eyes of the dying lilies of the Night in prayer for his resurrection or – my eternal Flight.

The Beginning of Goodbye

For months, leaving Boston has been heavy on my mind. Folks who are really close to me know that I have been trying to make the move back to the Philippines or New York.

It's pretty much official today. I told my headmaster that I wouldn't be returning to the school

next year. The feeling of putting it out there, professionally, has been a little unreal and relieving at the same time.

When my headmaster asked what the plan was for next year, I couldn't hide it -I told her I was planning on moving to the Philippines pending on a few job applications. It's hard to describe

the feelings going through me right after I told her. I could literally feel my nerves. It was both exciting and scary. It made leaving Boston so real. I had been talking and talking and talking about it, trying to put it out into the universe, researching jobs, but it wasn't as real as it was when I told my headmaster.

Immediately after speaking with my principal, I called home to let them know what had

happened. I wanted to debrief with my Dad, who totally supported me. I had to go into a

meeting with my supervisor, though, for my final evaluation. It was here where I became

somewhat emotional.

With all my of my nerves still racing, I had to sit and discuss with him all of the good things

about my practice and the things I need to work on. While I knew exactly what it was that I

would have to work on, all of the positive things that he had to say really affirmed how much I had grown as a teacher.

Hearing that, after telling my headmaster I was leaving was bittersweet. It really marked the

close of my time at the school. It was beautiful and painful -after all that work, now I'm leaving the place where I started and grew as a teacher. While I have my complaints, it's still home in some ways which will make it hard to leave. I started my teaching there, during grad school, I've looped with two classes, I've become close with my colleagues, I coached the debate team, I've been on the Leadership Team, the Governing Board, and I taught the Capstone class. I loved my students.

Yup, it's the end of an era, man. This is the beginning of goodbye.

Here are just some of my memories from BCLA:

Graduating my first class.

Second time with the Class of '09

With the Debate Cap'n

First Capstone Conference

Before graduation of 2009, with the Debaters.

Setting up the Classroom for 2009-2010

Team building with the Class of '10