This year, as I contemplated my amiable and loving relationships with my students, I questioned my ability to create an environment where students always...okay, often make the right choices.
I asked myself a myriad of questions:
-Did I suck as an example?
-Am I demanding enough?
-I know I'm not organized enough, how can I be more organized for the benefit of the class?
-and on and on and on...
I would wrack my brain and blame myself endlessly or I'd feel crappy or I'd feel like someone had smacked me in the face and said "eff you!" to me.
I tried my hardest to be demanding, to hold high academic and social standards and to create a healthy learning environment (It has become clear that I have a Looooooooong way to go in that department, though). There were times when students would fight with one another, they wouldn't cooperate with me or with one another during group work, wouldn't turn in their homework on time, or wouldn't be prepared for discussion. This has taught me that I am still learning methods that fit my style. I need to be more deliberate about creating a cooperative classroom and almost have to figure out how to reverse hateful or unkind social behaviors, and really need to better examine how I can use restorative justice in my classroom, figure out how to scaffold more, and think abouy how to make content more accessible.
Teaching has taught me so much about freedom. Once, during a talk, a spiritual director mentioned the respect that parents must have for children's freedom (after a certain age, of course). She said that as children get older, parents must begin to let go of the idea that they have control over their children's decisions. This spoke to me because of my own struggle with my parents as well as my struggles with my students.
How difficult it is to finally, after all the hard work being done, all the effort, and all the hours, it is to accept that we are not perfect and that our students are not always going to do exactly what we expect of them. I had to give up my self centeredness and remember that sometimes, "It's not even about me, so get over yourself." This humbling experience also reminded me of every time I made a poor decision, disobeyed and deeply hurt my parents. I received a tiny lesson in parenting by being a teacher. I have to respect their freedom after a while, I have to let them go, and let them be sometimes.
Until then, I'm going to take Russell Peters' advice:
