Calm Down, Janelle

So, I know I've been in complete Janelle Monae obsession mode. I just love the new album. While I was reading Colorlines, though, this article by Jamilah King called, "Will Jonae Monae Survive Our Obssession," reminded me of our inevitable disappointment with many musicians, actors, etc. They're only human, right? So, for every Janelle Monae entry I've posted, here's my effort to temper my obssession...

Men: Teach Yourselves!!

• "I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
  Work till you tired got to provide
  Always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
  (and give you the things that you need, baby)
  Our relationship is (suffering) trying to give you (what I never had)
  You say I don't know to love you baby
  Well I say show me the way
  I keep my feelings (deep inside I)
  Shadow them (with my pride eye)
  I'm trying desperately baby just work with me
  
  Teach me how to love
  Show me the way to surrender my heart, girl I'm so lost
  Teach me how to love
  How I can get my emotions involved
  Teach me, show me how to love" -Musiq Soulchild

My best friend and I despise this song. After some time with shady relationships, she and I have come to the conclusion that it is not our job to teach grown men how to love us properly. Amongst some of the men we have met, though, it's as if there is an expectation for us to nurture something inside of them. I'm sure I could say the same for some women, but as Musiq says, men are taught how to be men in a certain way in this society and in many of our Third World societies. Maybe I'm being too vague here, but it seems that because men enjoy certain privileges and power in this world, there are expectations that some men have of the people around them to serve and be subservient to them -folks can think, know, and do things for them because their privilege seems to take away responsibility for actions or thoughts. It manifests itself in the smallest of ways -I doubt most men go around the world thinking, "Women need to SERVE ME!!" No, it happens when a man can say whatever he wants in certain settings, when a man doesn't have to take responsibility for hurting a woman, when a man with power can speak down to another person who may not seem to have as much power as him, when a man can enter into a romantic relationship without actually knowing what it means to love or how to express love for another person -the ultimate giving and sacrifice of self. How does that work?

No, I don't hate men. I hate how men have been enabled in society. And what happens when a group of people are both enabled and given unearned privilege than others? It's the curse of being privileged -that lack of self awareness, the ability to over depend on others... While in society, they may have certain privileges, in some ways, men are disadvantaged because of the some of the backlash against patriarchy. Now, women have some of the highest success rates educationally and professionally. So, what needs to change? The material was never as important to me as the spiritual and interpersonal. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the rights that I've gained as a woman because of women that came before me, but just because we've gained more material wealth and rights still doesn't mean that the root issue of patriarchy has been solved. It's the attitude and how it's mutated through time that needs to be addressed.

I have written about talking and teaching about relationships with my students because I see how both parties are so impacted by their dating practices and lack of self awareness. I enjoy speaking with both my young women and men. When I speak with my men about their relationships or their approach their relationships, sometimes I can only shake my head after a talk. Even the young men who mean well, still don't know what it means to be in a healthy and giving relationships. Definitions and models of such things are completely lacking in society. The guys who find themselves in a decent to healthy place are the dudes who have had models of healthy and giving manhood in their lives, and these directions have had to be explicit from what I understand of what young men have told me.

Recently, I read my friend Kiwi's blog about the work he and other Filipino American men are doing in the Bay to address some of the patriarchal practices that they find themselves guilty of, even as progressive, social justice educators, workers, organizers, etc. One of my favorite parts of Kiwi's entry discussed the goals of their meetings. He wrote that they got together to, "develop tools and a model of manhood that represents what we are truly trying to be about as as revolutionary brothers. It was/is a needed space for us to get together and support one another, as well as challenge each other on our male shit in a space that feels safe and nurturing." Programs and relationships like this seem ideal for teaching men how to act in the world. I have two friends who are 27 and 29 and they are in constant discussion with each other about how to keep each other and and themselves in check as men. I appreciate that they are trying to do that on their own, but in a purposeful way. I'm sure there are lots of quiet warriors doing the same, but we need more!! Another program in the Midwest called the Renaissance Male Project also does work for the growth of men in the community. These types of programs/organizations can strengthen the role that men play in building a better, healthy community by showing them what to do from models who are actually trying to do it themselves.

So yes, we love you, men! But please, do some of that teaching and learning for yourselves, like the folks above are doing!

In Review: Time for Some Reading

I've been reviewing some of my old blog entries today. While my writing is not as sickeningly corny and trite as it used to be (I know, can you believe it was worse?) I think it's time to step up my game.

Better writing means more reading and I have not touched a book in a thorough, methodical, loving way in a minute. Thank goodness for short stories and planes , where I can read for at least a little bit and feel as though I've gotten through something! My latest have been excerpts from Sherman Alexie's Ten Little Indians and Jhumpa Lahiri's Interpreter of Maladies. Both have some really great short stories in them.

The end of the year always steals my leisurely reading time and directs me to research papers. Woopwoop (without too much enthusiasm). Hopefully, I can get back into my personal reading time soon!!

RIP Daday

Lola Daday was an amazing woman. Not our direct grandmother, but close enough. We didn't see her often, but she loved us all dearly. She showed me what it meant to be an educator and a strong, independent Filipina without words, lectures, or dictates. Her energy pulsed through us, giving us life to push forward, even when she was halfway around the world. She will be missed, but I'm glad she's at peace, resting after so much time on this earth.

Tita Meyen wrote this poem for her and I wanted to share it with my family.

For Daday

June 1, 2010

On the day you died

I had gone out to buy imitation

terracotta pots and

potting soil

for my indoor plants

at work

I had bought a surfeit

of cheese

and a bagful

of nuts

It was almost as if I were shopping

for you

your gardens

your treats

Far away

only two strangers were with you

when you closed your eyes

no candle was lit beside your bed

no flowers brightened windowsill or

door

No icons hung on your bare

wall

The leather bound journal where

you marked your days

the book of psalms you

scanned through eyes that

stung

your glasses

beads

the keepsakes that you touched

when the days were

long:

all gone

Only an oxygen tank

catheter

and tubes adorned

your last days

You who saw to plant petunias

out of twisted pots (rejected)

by the potters of Vigan)

whose room

was lush

with glass

and art

and silk

and celadon

Five months on a bare

bed

wrapped only in

a cotton

gown

What did you see?

What did you hear?

Could you remember?

The bed is empty

now and you

are clothed once more

in silken

sun

and walk firm footed

on

endless green

Rest now: aunt,

traveler,

gardener,

reader, faithful

friend.

Rest in the heart of Him who gave you

beauty and saw

your tears:

your triumphs testament to your

many gifts

your years of pain hard fought

passage

to His endless

peace.

RIP Lola Daday.

We love you.

The Archandroid

"The thing is we are not all monolithic; we have our own ideas and concepts. I have a right to use my imagination. I’m for the individual and embracing the things that make us all unique. If your art is moving people, I say continue. I’m uniting." -Janelle Monae

This album is full of LIFE -a complete contrast to the death that has been overshadowing my life. Beautifully composed -this makes me want to weep every time I hear it. In the interview below, Monae talks about why her music is so full of life. SO MUCH RESPECT!!

"I've had a lot of experiences that have shaped the way that I am as a young woman and among the few were certain instances like dealing with a drug addict in the home and having cousins who were selling dope. You know, just growing up around people that were walking dead...I've always felt like I had to be a leader. I've had to give others options and hope and I've had to lead by example to let them know that there is life outside of an environment that may be...to be politically correct, a little disadvantaged." -Janelle Monae