Peripatetic

Peripatetic (adj):

2a: of, relating to, or given to walking

b: moving or traveling from place to place

What a life I'm living!!

How many miles have I driven this week?!

Probably my forreal last day in Boston today. I drove through JP, Dorchester, Roxbury, and Back Bay today.

Leigh was right. I had to leave to love it.

My drive was sweet, full of memories, joy, and gratitude for the place and the people that helped me grow to today.

As I drove through my old city, these classic Mary J. Blige lyrics popped into my head and played on repeat:

"All those pretty memories

I know you can hear me now.

For the record,

I love you, I love you."

Falling: Wanting vs. Needing

Earlier this week I posted a playlist for folks who were In the Mood for Love. Today, on my drive home to NY I came across some songs that made me think of that age old battle between wanting and needing to be loved, to be in love, to love. Do we need it, really need it? Or do we just want to be wanted? Remember those moments?! These women do a pretty beautiful job of singing those times to us.

Corinne Bailey Rae -Closer

Alice Smith -Love Endeavor

Fertile Ground -Come to Me

Goapele -Battle of the Heart

That's How I Feel

Feel me?

What I Know to Be True

I'm always talking about how sick wit it my friends are. This past August, Leigh celebrated her 40th birthday. Instead of gifts, Leigh asked us to write her what we know to be true as snapshots of the folks who love her and whom she loves so much. I wasn't able to attend her celebration because of my own brother's birthday party, but had wanted to sing a special song to her. I made this as her gift and wanted to share it so that people could begin to understand the caliber of dopeness in the women around me.

5 Reasons Why I Love Being Home

1. My Family

2. Filipino Food and Friends (I cheated)

3. My backyard

4. The city doesn't sleep.

5. The Subway (which I'm sure I'll soon hate)

No Looking Back

"A shadow is all I found,

So much I miss,

Too much to tell.

I miss your laugh the most." -Rox

Life Doesn't Have to Be Like This!

Great talk with my Aunt Libby on the way to the airport today. We discussed how folks can really make life hard for themselves and sometimes we just have to be there for them. Libby said that sometimes she thinks to these folks, "Life doesn't have to be like this!" Ha! This is going to be my new motto because life just is. That's it. That's all.

And in honor of how life does not have to be, a beautiful song, one of my favorites from Emanon, More Than You Know:

In the Mood for Love

Sometimes, ya gotta love the shuffle feature on an Mp3 player. Driving down to the Ranch today, this fabulous set of songs popped up in a row and I thought, "Dang, if someone is in love, they need this in their life!" So, for all the lovers out there, DJ Fu-Daddy has this line up for you:

Exile -Love Line

Zap Mama feat. Bilal -The Way You Are

Lucy Pearl -Everyday

Oddisee feat. Muhsinah -That Day

Tick, tick, tick? I Think Not.

Ugh, so typical -you're always thinking the grass is greener...then, BOOM! Reality check!

I am fast approaching my 27th birthday. The completion of my 26 years has brought the ticking of biological clocks and being baby crazy. I have always loved kids, but some of my friends around me think it's a new issue that has become a psychosis. I tend to disagree -they just don't like kids. I can't lie, though, I definitely felt more vigorous pulsating of my ovaries (I'm joking...kinda) with the arrival of my childhood best friend's first child, Anthony. The first time I held him I was like, "Yeah, I could definitely go for this!" He's so darned cuddly.

Welcome, Baby Anthony!

But then I'll spend time with my friends who have kids and be like, "Ummmm, nah." This weekend at the Ranch was a huge reminder of how I am soooo not trying to have kids right now -not that it's completely my choice anyway, but still, it was a great reminder for me to be happy and at peace with where I'm at right now in my life -sans boyfriend, sans husband, sans babies.

Mondays with the Godfreys

There was a huge convening of Castros at the ranch which included two tweens, one 5 year old, one toddler, and one 9 month old. I've watched the two tweens grow up right before my eyes. I was younger when they were babies and toddlers though, so didn't take too much notice of how my aunt and uncle raised them.

These two have grown before my eyes.

This weekend, though, I did have the opportunity to watch my aunts and uncles parent the three little ones real time, and it was a TRIP!! I really, really had to admire my aunts' and uncles' patience with their little ones. I particularly liked my Tito PJ's low talking voice with his girls. I want to develop that instead of the shriek of frustration that I'm sure I'd be apt to use if I had two little gals on my hands. The job of parenting is tireless. One minute one wants a cookie, and then a drink, and then a toy, and then your ear for one of their stories, and then to pet the dog, and then to play, and then to rest. Meanwhile, the other wants the same exact thing in exactly the opposite order!

Ingo getting ready for her bath.

Cousin bathtime

Tito PJ with the shampoo mohawk

How can you not want to eat them?

Stacia with her favorite donkey

Winnie with her mama

Bedtime: They so don't look sleepy

Jenny and Tito Al are out of town for two days and left Ingrid's baby schedule with us and it is hour by hour with so few breaks. I love that little girl so much, she is such a sweet baby, but dang, that is round the clock!! And I can't imagine what it would be like with a child who needs more attention than Ingrid -she really is such an agreeable baby. Maybe all of this sounds naive (like "Duh, Biba!"), but it's really a different story when you watch all this happen minute by minute.

Afternoon walk

Please don't fall, kid.

Gourmet baby food chef

All in a day's work -the diaper change

I thought teaching was full time (I never dared think it the equivalent to parenting), but I had my own space, my own time, my own rules, etc. So much of your attention just goes to your babies and all your energy becomes your children. It's amazing! While I was never the type to view the job of parenting in a disdainful or fearful way the way I hear lots of folks my age addressing parenting, I am in NO RUSH after this weekend. My energy was sucked out just watching my aunts and uncles with their kids and spending time with the little gals myself.

Big ups to all the parents in my life. Full time parents, full time professionals, full time heroes and sheroes in our midst!!

On Living

There have been so many questions. There are always questions. My Miscellaneous Friend shared this beautiful reflection with me:

"to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were unlocked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -Rainer Maria Rilke from Letters to a Young Poet

Bilal: Is This Love

Bilal's rendition of Is This Love is off the chain!! (Couldn't embed the video so I'm linking it.) In all honesty, I never LOVED this song, even though it's a Marley classic. But Bilal, his producers, and his instrumentalists make it so beautiful.

In watching this video, I remembered how I couldn't handle Bilal earlier in my life. To me, he was too much, too heavy, my brain and spirit couldn't quite compute him completely. When I listened, I knew there was something that I was missing. It made me uncomfortable and edgy.

It was only after I had begun to life live with a different type of clarity and comprehension that I was able to begin to understand him. Maybe not even understand, but sit, listen, appreciate, and love.

Oh my word, and his new song Levels from Airtight's Revenge is gorgeous!!! I'm in love all over again. Lord, have mercy.

On Moving

"I'm a travelin' (wo)man. Moving through places, space, and time. Got a lotta things I got to do." -Mosdef

On Freedom

"She discovered freedom is an unspoken sound, and a wall is a wall that can be broken down." -Common

Blue Scholars: Life and Debt

Can you believe it? Third World girl who has never been to a Blue Scholars' show?! Whaat? Well, that's not me anymore. I finally had the chance to be blessed by Geo and Sabzi's skills last night and their performance was off the chain! Mad energy, mad love. They almost made me forget the drunk white kids that were jostling me around...almost. They hit us with some old joints, some new stuff, and some songs from in between. Their new record is gonna be tight!

But, my favorite part of the evening had to be when they performed Sagaba and Life and Debt. Now this is what I call a love song!!

Life and Debt

I like, making you so happy!

Yo, life and debt, light a cigarette smoke the stress,

Take a deep breath baby, let's rearrange the mess we've inherited

Alienated from what is rightfully yours and mine, land

Is life, money is time paid for labor

Working eight to five, sometimes six seven eight,

We come home and barely know the neighbors

Bills are usually late

Interest accumulates at a usury rate

Collection agency waits from

Pay check to next one, budget like a noose

Working while we sing the proletariat blues

On 501-C3 community plantations,

Non profit sector propped up to kill the movement

For the changes in production relations

But woman you're my comrade, ride and die, revolution making mother earth

Standing with me in the grocery line

While I'm paying with a jar of pennies, nickels, and dimes.

And I love how you don't like art without a message

I love it how you call some fellas on they fetish

Third World Sister, never sacrificing substance for style

But stylish with a golden type smile

I love it how you organize with other strong sisters

Love it how you talk about tearing down the system

Like a soldier, my dialectical reflection

Yes is the answer to your question

Life and debt, write another check to the landlord,

No time to dwell on all the things we can't afford

Got a baby in the womb, a soldier for the future we're fighting for

Concrete conditions that I'm writing for

The payback, it's way past due

And they say the masses ain't ready but

We know that ain't true.

You and I both children of Filipino immigrants

From the same island, our ancestors smiling,

Cuz we found one another in a strange land struggling

Moms tryin' to tell us not to protest instead pray for peace,

But that ain't the nature of the beast

So lady grab a bullhor and take it to the streets

Yellin power to the people, el pueblo unido jamas sera vencido

Til the wealth is spread equal

You 21st century Gabriela Silang

Fierce like Lorena with a rifle in her arm

And I love how oyu love the people as much as self

I love it how you want redistribution of wealth

Third World sister, never sacrificing substance for style

But stylish with a golden type smile

I love it how you organize with other strong sisters

Love it how you talk about tearing down the system

Like a soldier, my dialectical reflection, yes is the answer to your question

Life and debt

I like, making you so happy!

G.O.D. (Gaining One's Definition)

"I've lived and I've learned
I have taken and I've earned
I have laughed, I've cried
I have failed and I have tried
Sunshine, pouring rain
found joy through all my pain
I just wanna be happy with being me."

-Common and Cee-Lo

Way to Make My Day

Just got a dope, beautiful email from a homie I haven't heard from in a long time. It was sweet, simple, kind, and generous and it came at a perfect time when I'm doubting myself, my direction, my strength and my spirit.

Thank you for the love, homie. You did more than you know.

biba: blessing i believe always :)

thinking of you sister. blessings for you and your family. the road is long but i know you are strong, kind and compassionate. keep inspiring all of us.

with love,

(Dope Homie that will remain nameless)

On War and Its Entrails

"A war never really ends. When the causes for resistance remain, then a war never really ends. It assumes other forms, becomes an illusion of itself, a subversion of what it intends; it is submerged and yet can rise again, find itself once more in tenacious imagining of a better order of things." -Resil Mojar

The Human Voice

I just learned about a great organization called Storycorps. Their mission is to preserve people's stories through interviews between two people who are important to one another. In the history classes that I taught, we did oral history projects. It was so essential to hear people's voices and their stories relating to different topics. The projects were so beautiful and so human.

Storycorps does an amazing job of providing different stories and is now doing some animated versions of some of the interviews they've gotten. While all of the animated cartoons are great, this Studs Terkel interview about the Human Voice has got to be one of my favorites!

Got a Call Today

I'm still in a little bit of shock -don't know when it's going to hit me.

True Story:

I saw that Danny* called me while I was driving down to the city yesterday. Then, while I was in the middle of lunch, I get a text saying, "Ms ilu i'm goin bak to jail take care of urself."

I didn't know yesterday was his court date. He failed his drug test a month after smoking some herb and was going back in. I was planning on seeing him this week when I was back in Boston.

I called him as soon as I got the text. He was angry, sad, but trying to keep a decent face up for me. Here was our conversation.

"I'm going back in, Ms. I failed the drug test."

"A month later?!"

"Yeah, it just sticks to your fat cells. Didn't go away."

"You okay?"

"I'm all right, I guess. Just my stupid father...The minute they said I was going back in, he had guilty written all over his face."

"Where's your Dad? Is he right there with you?"

"Nah, I'm outside trying to smoke every last one of my cigarettes before I go back in. I don't want to be near him. Told him I don't want to see his face. This is his fault. I f*ckin hate him."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't completely his fault. We talked about this. You shouldn't have been smoking in the first place."

"I know, Ms. I know. But he didn't have to bring it to this level. He could have gotten me tested by some private group, but no, I had to go to court! Ugh!"

(Sigh.) "Are they gonna take you right away?"

"Yeah, they said if they let me go home, I might try to get away."

"You know where you're going?"

"Nah, not yet. Maybe Cambridge, maybe Billerica."

"Can you let me know when you find out? or are they going to just take you away and you won't get to your phone?"

"They're probably just going to take me away, but you can call my father. Here's his number..."

"Oh, Danny. I'll find out where you're at, okay? I'm gonna find out."

"All right, Ms. I gotta go. I love you."

"I love you too."

And that was it.

Real Life.

Still processing.

Brainpop

I can't believe I never knew about BrainPOP while I was teaching. Clearly, I would have used it. I am also like, 8 years old and love any type of cartoon or media for the use of teaching. When I get back into the classroom, I wonder if this will be around, or if something more hi-tech will be in place!

About BrainPop:

Water Cycle:

Biba's Boston: 3 -Tita Gigi's Ranch

Number 3: Tita Gigi’s Ranch

For the longest time, I never thought I’d enjoy the country life. I swore up and down that I was meant for the city, though most of my life was spent in the suburbs. But spending time in Rochester, Mass. with my aunt and uncle on their pseudo-ranch has been a huge blessing and may have even opened me up to the country life a lil bit...a lil bit, I said.

Tita Gigi's house in the winter

My aunt and uncle are the epitome of City Slickers living the country life now. They’ve travelled to cities all over the world as architects specializing in aquarium design -spent a lot of time in Italy and Portugal. They used to own an apartment in one of the brownstones in the Back Bay, right on Comm. Ave. As urbanites, they dressed in sleek, streamlined clothes always in shades of black or grey. Their apartment in the Back Bay was that version of upscale, authentic minimalism that one hopes to achieve through purchases at the Pottery Barn, Crate & Barrel, or Restoration Hardware.

Tita Gi in the Back Bay with her old dog, Baci

Tita Gigi always loved animals and nature, though. Amongst the few pieces of Italian or Portuguese décor in the apartment there would always be a real bird's nest, some twigs and branches, a dog leash or some other horse or dog paraphernalia thrown in there from her pets. We tease her that her horses, dogs, and cat are our cousins.

Tita Gi with Sonny Boy (left) and Iabony (right)

Carlos and Juni with Mona

With Iabony

A few years back, she and Tito Michael decided to buy an old farmhouse in Rochester, MA. It’s super beautiful and super old, was around during the 1700’s and has so much history to it. They have a few acres of land that now hold two areas for their horses Iabony and Sonny Boy.There’s a beautiful pond behind their house and they live next door to a huge cranberry bog.They’ve made the house both simple and beautiful. It reminds me a little of Leigh’s Haven, only bigger.

At the farm in 2006, Laloo and Tita Nita visiting from the Philippines and Georgia

Mom, Tita Sandy, and Tito Sherm lounging

If you read about Leigh’s Deck in my last entry, you know that her place cultivates love and family. That’s why I love Tita Gi’s place so, so much. In the past few years, I’ve spent time with my aunt and uncle and the rest of our extended family on their “farm.” Mom has six living sisters and Tita Gi always says that the house is good to bring together the family. It’s torturous for Tito Michael –all gajillion of us there at once, but he’s such a good sport, as long as we don’t force him to be in photos, which we do anyway.

The Stateside sisters

I have memories of huge meals with my aunts, uncles, and younger cousins (I’m the oldest of the Castro clan’s grandchildren and have seen these moments longer than any of our generation). We cook and buy food for days and just hang out -playing badminton, going out in the canoe, skyping Laloo or Tito Boy in the Philippines, or Tito Al, Jenny, and Ingrid in Sweden; playing with the horses or dogs (not so much the cat since he does wonders on our allergies), playing Cranium for hours, looking at old pictures, or just talking about life and our family.

Ben and Carlos playing badminton

Our Davaoenos visiting from the Philippines

It’s been in this space that I’ve been able to learn and appreciate my mother’s family with a depth I haven’t known anywhere else. Like I said, Mom came from a cast of seven sisters and while all of the living sisters are extremely educated, have dope families, and are living pretty comfortable lives, they didn’t always have it easy. Tita Tootsie died of leukemia at the age of 7, leaving the family at 6 sisters. Lolo Frank died two years later when the girls were super young. The oldest was 13 and the youngest, barely 1.

Mom's family before Lolo died. Mom is all the way to the left.

Laloo ended up having to struggle hard to raise six girls on her own. In spite of the challenges of raising six girls, in the Philippines, in the 50’s, Laloo, once a beauty queen, was able to send them to some of the best schools in Manila by becoming a seamstress and eventually running her own business. But those material comforts didn’t come without some gaps. There was life without a father, a lot of affection that wasn’t expressed, a culture of tough love, lots of pressure to be the best, lots of time with a mother stressed from work, finances, and loss. But there was also family support, time in the province at their Lolo’s farm, lots of titos, titas, and pinsan.

Castro family reunion, 1965

Castro family reunion, 1966

It’s been there at the farm where I’ve heard so much of what life was like for my mother, her sisters, and my Lola. I have developed a deep respect for my mother’s family, an incredible understanding of family dynamics and Filipino history, a deep love for my family, and an undying confidence in the women around me. Each of the women in my mother's family has a story that I've learned from. In some of my most difficult moments, they've been there with advice, or have just been there -no words, but maybe some key lime pie. I don’t think I can truly express how much these times at Tita Gi’s farm have meant to me, especially not at 3:15 in the morning!

No, country girl I may not be, but I’m a family woman for life and Tita Gi’s is a place where I’ve learned what that means and how to live it.

July 4, 2010

Here are some HILARIOUS videos from HappySlip that totally remind me of my family:

Pahntee:

Peephole:

Biba's Boston: 4 -Leigh's Deck

Number 4: Leigh’s Deck

Disclaimer: This is NOT an advertisement for Leigh’s deck. I am not trying to increase traffic at Leigh’s spot!

Nine years in Boston and it only took one summer for me to fall in love with Leigh’s porch. Almost everything Leigh touches turns to gold, and the same is true for her deck. Leigh treats her home with a precision and touch that is simple, natural, and beautiful. There is meaning and love in every corner and I was lucky to have experienced that even for a short time. This is why so many of us women folk have started to refer to Leigh’s spot as The Haven. It’s a safe, sacred space.

The wood may be a little splintery, but the deck has so much spirit to it. It’s homey and welcoming –from the plants that Leigh has cultivated to life –especially the pepper and tomato plants, her green Adirondack chair that was lovingly stripped and repainted, the cushions, the candles, and the monster grille are all parts of what makes Leigh’s deck, Leigh’s deck.

It’s a wonderful place to be alone. If it’s sunbathing with an iced coffee or some water, or a starlit night to reflect upon, it’s a deck that let me be alone. On the third floor, I would sit close to the boughs of branches, listening and hearing their rustle while life went on below me. It’s like a tree house for grown ups. I would read in the sun up there, nap, and think. This summer has been full of lots of brain and spirit movement for me and Leigh’s deck was the place to do that thinking about the past, now, and future.

While it’s a great place to be alone, it was/is also a perfect place for family. Leigh, the wasps, and I have enjoyed some nice lunches and dinners on the deck together, basking in the sun, good food, and good drink. In my short time there, we’ve had gatherings that have brought beautiful people together and it’s the love with which Leigh inhabits the Haven that welcomes us all when we’re together.

I’ll be forever grateful for all those moments on the deck and how those moments brought me closer to that higher ground I’m looking for.