I wasn't technically allowed to date when I was a pre-teen or teen. I'm still happy that was the case. Back then, I simply accepted this and I didn't really mind my parents
barring my dating. Unfortunately, the rule of no dating wasn't really supplemented by too much information from my parents about relationships for when they did come along. While I was a teenager, I received some strong formation around dating and relationships and stuck pretty close to it until I was in college. All of a sudden, when I hit 18, I thought I was grown. I thought I was an adult and that I was ready for a "serious" relationship. To me, serious meant towards marriage and it still does. For some reason, I thought I was done with my identity development. I thought I was good to go!! Oh, how wrong I was. It's only been in recent years that I've finally accepted and truly understood the concept of being ever changing and ever growing.
As I speak with my students about their relationships and watch them interact with partners or potential partners, or simply with people that they are attracted to, 
I have noticed some unhealthy patterns that really concern me. They spend too much time together, they are extremely jealous, their fighting makes them depressed to the point of distraction, they are very sexually active, or they have multiple partners. I worry about them and find myself telling them to be careful or to focus on themselves and remove the drama from their lives. I tell them, "If they don't focus on themselves now and on their own growth, they won't be prepared for the man or woman who really knocks them out. Personally, I don't think that young people should be dating so exclusively, even in college. I do understand, though, that it's much more complex than DON'T DATE or DO DATE. If they are dating, though, they really need some serious knowledge about how healthy relationships should work.
I have noticed some unhealthy patterns that really concern me. They spend too much time together, they are extremely jealous, their fighting makes them depressed to the point of distraction, they are very sexually active, or they have multiple partners. I worry about them and find myself telling them to be careful or to focus on themselves and remove the drama from their lives. I tell them, "If they don't focus on themselves now and on their own growth, they won't be prepared for the man or woman who really knocks them out. Personally, I don't think that young people should be dating so exclusively, even in college. I do understand, though, that it's much more complex than DON'T DATE or DO DATE. If they are dating, though, they really need some serious knowledge about how healthy relationships should work. It seems to me from my experience and from what I've observed of others, that dating at such a young age and being sexually active slows an individual's identity development. While I totally understand that people grow and learn a lot from their relationships, many times, those relationships
do not last and all of those lessons may have come at the expense of something greater. Most people can say that they learned something from past partners and they are the way that they are because of that person in their life, similar to the impact that family and friends have in one's life. I say that all the time.
The major concern for me, though, are the relationships that drain a person's individuality -when the person focuses so much on the 'we' that I, God, friends, and others are left to the wayside.
For those with wisdom, this is a big, "No duh," unfortunately I see so many young people focusing on relationships that won't get them too far, instead of focusing on their own development, their own strength, their own actions and behaviors. One of my favorite books is called Interior Freedom by Jacques Philippe. In this book, he discusses the challenges we must face in order to be truly free, "...we must train ourselves to accept...plenty of things that seem to contradict our freedom...consenting to our personal limitations, our weaknesses..."
I'm not citing this to encourage a sense of powerlessness or acceptance of injustice.
Many people in general don't want to face the mirror and deal with themselves -their past, their family, their flaws, their struggles, their personalities, and enter into a relationship to feel complete or to feel loved. Without facing the mirror and really having time alone to develop self.
Another reason why I bring this up is because in my own interactions with men and women today, I see our unreadiness to enter into healthy, balanced relationships -myself included (I'm sure there have been folks who have crossed my path, who have been like, "Hmmm, she has some ways to go before she's ready."). Part of this unreadiness seems to come from a lack of individual preparation and a lack of focus on self development. I want to be clear that I see focus on self development as different than focus on self. I hate to see my young men and women dealing with issues that are slowing them down. I hope that they'll learn from their experiences, but there are so many situations that just seem so avoidable.
Recently, I heard of a conference at Harvard about love and healthy relationships. While I was unable to go, the conference provided readings one could look into for these relationship issues. As it says in the song above, "The boy/girl looks so good, but the mind is not ready." I hope that with my interactions with youth and with people my own age, I can learn and build a foundation around relationships that will encourage healthy growth as individuals and as partners. More to come as I read and learn more!
3 comments:
I know I'm cheating here cuz its been a topic of our conversation, but through the lens of Ms. FuDaddy, what role do you think social culture and/or family play in this and how does one position themselves to be an example in this environment?
I feel you b. i don't think young people should date so exclusively. high school and college are such critical times of self development and identity. it's one of the best times to be selfish. we need to be selfish so that we can be better for every interaction there is to follow. relationships def require a lot of compromise, and i think high school and (some) college years are too important to compromise individual exploration. but then being barred off to dating til you're 25 can leave you naive and emotionally confused. like you said, it's a balance.
i'm so selfish right now. just gimme the booty!
WRITE ON RIGHT ON!!
Oh Pilgrim! What a dope question. How could I have forgotten to include that in my analysis? Bad case of assuming folks knew where I was coming from. Yikes.
Part of the reason I didn't get into social/cultural values is because I'd go into a whole historical analysis regarding sexual politics etc. and I just didn't want to get into it. lol. I think that families play a huge role in how young people date. They do the teaching or the non-teaching. The talking/non talking, feel me? If it's not open to discussion, the more secrets there will be. I'm an example of that.
I think that today's culture gives people the idea that they need to be in a relationship to be complete, to feel loved OR you don't need to be in a relationship to feel complete, but you can enter into a casual sex relationship and get some physical satisfaction without having to worry about any emotional, mental, or spiritual effects. In general, I think that folks need a stronger grasp on themselves before entering into an active relationship. Chemical reactions are real when it comes to sex and if one doesn't control that, they can get ugly and can really mess with one's emotions. Kids don't need that. They need to focus on becoming the intelligent, talented individuals that they are meant to be and negotiating another person's feelings and sexual activity is simply a distraction.
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