- "I was told the true definition of a man was to never cry
Work till you tired got to provide
Always be the rock for my fam, protect them by all means
(and give you the things that you need, baby)
Our relationship is (suffering) trying to give you (what I never had)
You say I don't know to love you baby
Well I say show me the way
I keep my feelings (deep inside I)
Shadow them (with my pride eye)
I'm trying desperately baby just work with me
Teach me how to love
Show me the way to surrender my heart, girl I'm so lost
Teach me how to love
How I can get my emotions involved
Teach me, show me how to love" -Musiq Soulchild
My best friend and I despise this song. After some time with shady relationships, she and I have come to the conclusion that it is not our job to teach grown men how to love us properly. Amongst some of the men we have met, though, it's as if there is an expectation for us to nurture something inside of them. I'm sure I could say the same for some women, but as Musiq says, men are taught how to be men in a certain way in this society and in many of our Third World societies. Maybe I'm being too vague here, but it seems that because men enjoy certain privileges and power in this world, there are expectations that some men have of the people around them to serve and be subservient to them -folks can think, know, and do things for them because their privilege seems to take away responsibility for actions or thoughts. It manifests itself in the smallest of ways -I doubt most men go around the world thinking, "Women need to SERVE ME!!" No, it happens when a man can say whatever he wants in certain settings, when a man doesn't have to take responsibility for hurting a woman, when a man with power can speak down to another person who may not seem to have as much power as him, when a man can enter into a romantic relationship without actually knowing what it means to love or how to express love for another person -the ultimate giving and sacrifice of self. How does that work?
No, I don't hate men. I hate how men have been enabled in society. And what happens when a group of people are both enabled and given unearned privilege than others? It's the curse of being privileged -that lack of self awareness, the ability to over depend on others... While in society, they may have certain privileges, in some ways, men are disadvantaged because of the some of the backlash against patriarchy. Now, women have some of the highest success rates educationally and professionally. So, what needs to change? The material was never as important to me as the spiritual and interpersonal. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for the rights that I've gained as a woman because of women that came before me, but just because we've gained more material wealth and rights still doesn't mean that the root issue of patriarchy has been solved. It's the attitude and how it's mutated through time that needs to be addressed.
I have written about talking and teaching about relationships with my students because I see how both parties are so impacted by their dating practices and lack of self awareness. I enjoy speaking with both my young women and men. When I speak with my men about their relationships or their approach their relationships, sometimes I can only shake my head after a talk. Even the young men who mean well, still don't know what it means to be in a healthy and giving relationships. Definitions and models of such things are completely lacking in society. The guys who find themselves in a decent to healthy place are the dudes who have had models of healthy and giving manhood in their lives, and these directions have had to be explicit from what I understand of what young men have told me.
Recently, I read my friend Kiwi's blog about the work he and other Filipino American men are doing in the Bay to address some of the patriarchal practices that they find themselves guilty of, even as progressive, social justice educators, workers, organizers, etc. One of my favorite parts of Kiwi's entry discussed the goals of their meetings. He wrote that they got together to, "develop tools and a model of manhood that represents what we are truly trying to be about as as revolutionary brothers. It was/is a needed space for us to get together and support one another, as well as challenge each other on our male shit in a space that feels safe and nurturing." Programs and relationships like this seem ideal for teaching men how to act in the world. I have two friends who are 27 and 29 and they are in constant discussion with each other about how to keep each other and and themselves in check as men. I appreciate that they are trying to do that on their own, but in a purposeful way. I'm sure there are lots of quiet warriors doing the same, but we need more!! Another program in the Midwest called the Renaissance Male Project also does work for the growth of men in the community. These types of programs/organizations can strengthen the role that men play in building a better, healthy community by showing them what to do from models who are actually trying to do it themselves.
So yes, we love you, men! But please, do some of that teaching and learning for yourselves, like the folks above are doing!
Recently, I read my friend Kiwi's blog about the work he and other Filipino American men are doing in the Bay to address some of the patriarchal practices that they find themselves guilty of, even as progressive, social justice educators, workers, organizers, etc. One of my favorite parts of Kiwi's entry discussed the goals of their meetings. He wrote that they got together to, "develop tools and a model of manhood that represents what we are truly trying to be about as as revolutionary brothers. It was/is a needed space for us to get together and support one another, as well as challenge each other on our male shit in a space that feels safe and nurturing." Programs and relationships like this seem ideal for teaching men how to act in the world. I have two friends who are 27 and 29 and they are in constant discussion with each other about how to keep each other and and themselves in check as men. I appreciate that they are trying to do that on their own, but in a purposeful way. I'm sure there are lots of quiet warriors doing the same, but we need more!! Another program in the Midwest called the Renaissance Male Project also does work for the growth of men in the community. These types of programs/organizations can strengthen the role that men play in building a better, healthy community by showing them what to do from models who are actually trying to do it themselves.
So yes, we love you, men! But please, do some of that teaching and learning for yourselves, like the folks above are doing!
2 comments:
Great post Biba! This has actually been something I've tried to incorporate into my life in a few different ways, just in terms of discovering what it should mean to be a man in today's society, period. My only question is how productive or successful can a group composed exclusively of men be in trying to discover what it means to truly love a woman and be in a relationship where you respect each other as equals and see each other as partners? Part of me thinks that comes from experience with relationships, learning from failures & triumphs, i.e. teachable moments.
Not to say that's an excuse to not take initiative ourselves, but I often doubt whether I'd learn anything without ya'll! :)
I hear that, dude!! I admire your efforts to examine your role and your behaviours. It's tough, but I really do think it's important for men to be able to do this work both on their own and with women. It's a lot like how Community Change in Boston is white people working on anti-racism. We can't teach all the time...sort of like how we couldn't always teach white folk at BC. lol.
Post a Comment