Fall Down to Move Forward

I haven't written in a while. This year has felt like it is my first year teaching. I can't believe how many hours I've been spending at school, how many hours I've been spending on work. I never thought that I was going to become one of those ridiculous people who spent all their damn time working. It's not right. At the same time, I see my skills in different areas building and I see my weaknesses for what they are and I recognize that I need work on them. While tiring, it's an extremely empowering process.

Last year, I wrote about a group of students that drained me emotionally and professionally. They highlighted my classroom management weaknesses. They were an extremely challenging class. Individually, students were wonderful kids, but as a group, it was a bad mix and I was never quite able to facilitate a healthy group dynamic. This year, I swore it wasn't going to happen again, but little by little I found that my biggest class was turning into last year's disaster. I hated to see them. I dreaded the period I expected them to come into the classroom. I was uncomfortable and tight when they walked in. Actually, I'm writing this in the past tense, but sometimes it's still like that in the class. Much of how the class runs that day depends on who is in the classroom and how certain students are feeling. There are days when I win and there are days when they do. It really sucks sometimes.

From the last Free Minds Free People Conference I learned about the Autoethnography process from UCLA PhD candidate and teacher, Patrick Camangian. After asking him for advice about how to include it in my curriculum, I decided to try it this year. I had the students write about their communities and their experiences in the community and how all of these things have impacted them over time. They then had to present some of these very sensitive issues to their classmates. I have found that while initially, students were wary of the project and even resentful, they have bought into the process and we are in the midst of hearing all of the students present their stories.



When I first brought this idea to the class, students were resistant. They didn't understand how this connected or why we would do it. Some students were angry that I was bringing this into the classroom and thought that there was no place for it. Of course, I disagreed and told them that it was extremely important for us to hear each other's stories and to have an understanding of all of the similarities and differences that we had just within one classroom. Camangian highlighted the need to do this because of how we are taught to hate one another when really, there is much more reason for unification. He also talked about the need to do this for healing purposes. Because of the trauma that so many students have been through, it is important for them to have a venue where people are not judging but are simply listening.

I have been trying to reflect upon the process and learnings of doing these projects. Each day has been emotionally draining. I come home and I can barely move because of the weight of the students' stories and lives. I have never heard anything like this. I'm not into scandal or drama, but some of my students' stories are insanely powerful. I have so much respect for my students and am amazed by how they grow up in spite of so many unfair circumstances and painful situations in their lives. The classroom has been tearful so I think that students are getting the chance to heal, as well as better understand the stories, behaviors and personalities of those in their class.

It's been moving to hear some of the feedback and connections that students have been making with each other, which I think is really special. Once we finish up with the process, I will post some of their reflections. We'll see how it goes.